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Excuses

Where we celebrate some of the more inventive (or pathetic) reasons that players have given for missing 5s and 11s games - or paying for those games - over the years.

If you're going to come up with an excuse in future, you can now check to see whether it's been used already!

Who When What
Big Craig 15/8/05 (shortly before our 11s game against the Forbes GunnErs kicked off) "Sorry mate, completely forgot. Got 2 ear infections on hol and am as deaf as a post."
Big Craig 20/12/05 "I am not going 2 make it the nite mate. Thought I would but still up 2 my f*ckin neck in Xmas shoppin and not half way done yet!"
Murray 20/12/05 "I'm gonna skip it, have a cold and want rid of it by Chrimbo."
Big Craig 17/1/06 "I have a last minute appointment with my solicitor today at 4.40 pm in Leith in connection with my new house we get the keys for on Friday."
SBJ 27/3/06 "Canae make it (5s) as its me Gran's 90th."
Al 27/4/06 "Forgot to put a top in my bag, so won't be there tonight."
Mike 'NS' Boyle 16/6/06 "Have a cracked rib which I reckon is from a few weeks ago on a Tuesday night, when Bill and I bumped into each other - no worries, it's one of those things, but it's hurt since then - altho' only got worse this week and forced me to go to docs."
Finlay 14/11/06 "Sorry about the no show - got asked to do a mercy dash by Steve the Cat at 5.45. His daughter is at the same nursery as ours and he couldn't get back in time to pick her up since all the trains were delayed last night. He asked me to go and pick her up until he managed to get home - which turned out to be 7 pm having left on the 5 pm train from Waverley."
Adrian 26/3/07 "Went for a ten mile run on the Sunday and was stupid enough to play last Tuesday despite the fact that my foot had swollen up and gone a wee bit purple!"
Ryan 10/4/07 "a cant play cruched th top of me finger off last week and had to get it reconstructed.. no activities till next week so c you then. got it crushed by wieghtws at the gym, pretty painful its alright now tho went to a plastic surgeon and he sorted it for me. i will be bacik next tue."
SBJ 16/4/07 "Had a wee shunt end of last week and have slightly brused ribs so will give it a miss tomorrow but should be ok for next week."
Wee Craig 26/6/07 " I gave blood this morning, so no exercise for 48 hours."
Ryan 24/7/07 "No joke here, locked out of the house and have to get changed at Martins. This means I cant get in to get any dosh!! like I did before I will bring £10 along with me next Tue."
Kenny 5/1/08 "No - in Hong Kong working for next two weeks!"
Darrell 14/1/08 "I'm out for Tuesday. I had a wisdom tooth removed last Thursday and any knock to my cheek could set my healing back a few weeks."
Darrell 4/2/08 "Unable to play as I've had my other wisdom tooth removed and a knock would prove a major set back in my recovery!"
Darrell 19/2/08 "I'm out for this evening. Apologies - I've left my kit at home! How old am I?"
Ryan 5/3/08 (a Wednesday) "Vry sorry bill I was just back from NZ n fell asleep with jet lag ... Never woke up until this mornin."
Zyco 12/5/08 "I would but I'm actually off to Murrayfield for a training session with the Scotland Rugby team strength and conditioning coach on Tuesday now."
Rory 12/5/08 "im afraid I cant make it tommorrow night. Just finished the Dunfermline half marathon and my legs are like jelly."
James Hare 7/7/08 "I'm playing in a Pro Evolution Soccer tournament tomorrow night Bill - sorry!"
Darrell 4/8/08 "Can't make the 11's game as I'm (in) Espana obtaining burnt skin and a tennis game to be proud of. "
Pauline 26/8/08 "I must have had the wrong socks and shoes on at the weekend, as I've got awful blisters."
Nick 3/10/08 "Can't play next week, I'm going to some charity concert thing!"
Scott 3/10/08 "Won’t make Tuesday, couple of cracked ribs after my game last night so better let them heel for a week or so."
SBJ 13/10/08 "I'm stuffed with the cold which is getting worse by the minute so having to call off tomorrow, unfit."
Zyco 15/12/08 "My Xmas Lunch is tomorrow, totally forgot about it. As much as I’d love to play the copious amounts of booze I will have had by 6pm will make it near impossible.

You can put that excuse up on the web site."

Darrell 23/1/09 "Doctor has advised that I don't play as I almost snapped my metatarsal kicking Graeme.

Will be back in the following week once the swelling has gone down!"
Zyco 26/1/09 "I’m going to have to drop out.

Nasty ingrowing toenail issue, the result of losing both big toenails recently, one I think I actually ripped off at football.

Looks like it’s going to cost me £180 to get it sorted privately, hoping to get it done this week and be back next week.

It’s not too bad but football has been making it worse each week, especially as it’s on my left foot. Don’t want to ruin my marathon training as well."

Stu Blackhall 17/3/09 "Bill

I Regret to inform you that i cant play tonite, i took an injury at football last nite that has left me with a hugley swollen left hand and a big gash above my right eye. My mum told me that i shouldnt play, she is probably right.

I Was in goal and this guy who has the most powerfull shot ever blasted one at me from 10m away i brought my hands up and saved it but took what felt like a hammer blow to my skull. Which put me straight to the floor.

I have butterfly stiches on my head now and i need to wait a few days to make sure the wound will heal properly.

Stu"
Stu Blackhall 18/4/09 "Dude just so u know ... i have dislocated my shoulder at rugby 2day and will be out for football for a few weeks ... gutted ..."
Pete Swan 7/10/09

"Genuine apologies, Brewster gave my garage key to the cleaner and she took it home with her. I phoned everyone who i knew who was coming from the middle of town but no one could give me a lift.

I partly blame Jay, he knew what i was phoning for but ignored me cos he's too cheap to come and give a mate a lift.

In short, it's scott and Jay's fault."

James Hare 12/10/09 "Sorry Bill, really sore throat so will not be able to make it."
Gary Lees 19/10/09 "I dont know why I said yes to tomorrow night.

I am going to skip it this week.

Caught the dreaded cold and coughing fit thing going about!"
Darrell McHardy 19/10/09 "Will need to pass on 8's this Tuesday as I'm feeling rough. Lengthy weekend in Dublin and surrounding country has left me in tatters."
David Carruthers 19/10/09

"I'm not after a game of fitba - got the sniffles."

(then, after a deserved slagging about being a ponce)

"But my ears are bunged up and my sinuses are really sore. Surely at this difficult time of the swine flu epidemic you can find it in your heart to have some sympathy and save the humiliation of being named and shamed in the Real Excuses page?!"

Stu Blackhall 19/10/09 "I have got a wee problem regarding playing tomoz aswell ......my folks have had to go to South Africa last min and have left me to run the buisiness and the dog.......as normal i wuld come to footy straight from work - but i will have my dog.......

Im not sure how sensible it is to tie him up while we are playing.........."
Pete Preston 20/10/09 (Missing due to having Swine Flu - beat that, boys!)
Rory 3/11/09 "My car battery has gone flat bill. I don't think I will be able to make it tonight."
Pete Swan 9/11/09 "Sorry - in Beunos (sic) Aires, back in a couple of weeks."
'Diddums' Blackhall 1/12/09 "You have my place, Bill - it was too cold last week, and I didn't enjoy it."
Dale 30/3/10 (Typhoon Tuesday)

"I am flood(ed) in at work, will not be able to make football, cannot even leave the office at the moment."

(Response from Stu, who had to drop out as a result of Dale calling off: "Mate I have taken an hour off work 2 go home and get my kit. And I'm not playing cause Dale has spun you a line about his 3rd floor office gettin flooded")

John 6/4/10 "Slight hamstring injury so best not risk it."
Sheepy Mike 9/7/10 "Went over my ankle playing golf on Wednesday, up like a balloon, fingers crossed it’s nothing too drastic, I’ll find out next week when the swelling comes down I suppose."
Darrell 21/9/10 "Man flu alert. I will be a no show this evening. Sorry for the short notice."
Phil 25/9/10 (the day before our 11s game against the HotScots) "Billy big balls bad news. Not going to make footy. Missed connecting flight from Gatwick so won't be back in time."
Gary 26/9/10 (the day of our 11s game against the HotScots) "Alrite Bill, bad news. Woke up today with a dirty cough and feel like shit. Sorry to pull out."
Fahd 26/9/10 (six minutes before our 11s game against the HotScots) "Sorry to let u down can't make it mate."
Biggsy, Phil 21/12/10 (Late call offs from our last game of 2010 due to being winded after going sledging)
Mike 'Edna' Boyle 4/1/11 "Shit, sorry bill. Got to go and see Hairspray tonight."
Darrell 5/3/11 (the day of our 11s game against Bay FC) "I'm out for today. Looked like Gollum last night and could barely walk!"
Phil 1/4/11 "Too busy billy putting up all the marquees for melrose 7 's and stuff."
Rory 8/4/11 "I cant play next tuesday as im going to see Christy Moore in the Queens hall. Its not very rock n roll but he does terrific traditional irish music.

I know most of the songs."
Mike Walker 3/5/11 "Dude - I'm going to have to bail on tonights game - my heatings packed in and I've got a boy coming round after work to take a look! The football gods aren't smiling on me at the moment!"
Rory 10/5/11 (after missing 8s) "Apologies Bill. I was sucked into a meeting that lasted 3 hours of which there were 3 people attending of which I was one."
Matty 13/5/11 "I won't be there next Tuesday. I'm cycling from edinburgh to iona (200 miles roughly) for the Hospice setting off on the Wednesday. I think I should save myself."
Mike 'TMI' Boyle 16/5/11 ""Hello, you got someone who can step into the breach, Bill? We've got a major issue that I'm having to head through to Hamilton just now for, not envisaging much sleep tonight. A planned upgrade has f*cked major systems and it's me who's going to have to drop my trousers and take the retribution."
Sam 22/5/11 "Sorry Bill been out of touch as was getting married this weekend."
Gary 27/5/11 "Unable to play next week bill. Baby-sitting duties!"

Mike Walker 31/5/11 "Morning bill - I'm going to have to pull out of 5s tonight - slept funny and I've pulled something in my neck - pish !!"
Gary 12/6/11 "Alrite, going to have to pull out of footy for a few weeks. Done my knee in at the Caledonian Challenge yesterday."
Dave Murray 15/7/11 "Can't make it Bill - shanked my hamstring on the treadmill yesterday and it feels pretty bad - reckon might be out for a couple of weeks :-( "
Jim Hardie 23/7/11 (99 minutes before our 11s game against Gormadona FC) "Mate it pains me to write this pathetic text but went to meet Robson (George Best) for a beer last night and just got home 3 hours ago. Rather than just not turn up for football I want to let u know I will not make it. Massive apologies and let's put this down as a one off. Obviously he will turn up, puke, pass out and score a hat trick. Cheers."
Mike Boyle 2/8/11 (11s vs FC Farcelona)

"Bill. how we placed tonight, how many subs we got? Went over my ankle on a f*cking rolll of cling film at work today, if we're short I'll play and freeze the f*cker but will dropout if we've got the bodies. It was a big f*ckoff rolll of clingfilm for our warehouse before you say anything!"

Mike Boyle 5/8/11 (see above) "It was a big f*ckoff roll of clingfilm, my back's been f*cked ever since as I must have jarred it when I fell."
Rory 4/11/11 "I can't play next tuesday as im going to see The Darkness in the HMV picturehouse, I know its poor but I didnt buy the tickets."
Jim Hardie (explaining a late call off by flat mate Swanny) 27/3/12 "He's got his period"
Jay 1/5/12 "Sorry if I was a bit out of sorts last week, Bill - I thought I had p*nis cancer."
Mike J 10/7/12 "Mate, I don't believe this, I havnt got my key to the house for my stuff. Kelly doesn't finish until 6 and I can't get in. Initially when I left this morning I was gonna work until after this. Sorry to f*ck you around but I can't even get in my own house."
Jordan 7/8/12 (Late call off from 8s due to having to get a bit of stone removed from his foot)
Fahd 26/10/12 (11s vs Scottish Parliament) "I have to bail - it's Eid ... can't play ... had a bad day at work"
Fergus 26/10/12 (as above) "Bill, I've just f*cked my back digging a hole at work, I'm not gonna make it tonight as much as I'd like too"
Yasser 3/9/13 'Bill, I fell asleep on my couch ...'
Sam 21/8/14 "Off to the Celtic game boss so cant"
Wee Graham 3/10/16 "Ah. I just realised I wouldn't be able to play tomorrow as its my rabbits birthday"
Craig 17/11/16 (though also used at various other points in 2016) "I’m unavailable to play next week as I’ll be at Gleneagles"
Cameron 6/12/16 "I can't play next week as I'm going to see 'Mama Mia' with my mum"
Natu 19/7/17 (Thursday 5s) "Playing ultimate Frisbee I’m afraid!"


To be continued ...