Where we celebrate some of the more inventive (or pathetic)
reasons that players have given for missing 5s and 11s games - or paying
for those games - over the years.
If you're going to come up with an excuse in future, you
can now check to see whether it's been used already!
||15/8/05 (shortly before our 11s game against the Forbes
GunnErs kicked off)
||"Sorry mate, completely forgot. Got 2 ear infections
on hol and am as deaf as a post."
||"I am not going 2 make it the nite mate. Thought
I would but still up 2 my f*ckin neck in Xmas shoppin and not half
way done yet!"
||"I'm gonna skip it, have a cold and want rid
of it by Chrimbo."
||"I have a last minute appointment with my solicitor
today at 4.40 pm in Leith in connection with my new house we get
the keys for on Friday."
||"Canae make it (5s) as its me Gran's 90th."
||"Forgot to put a top in my bag, so won't be there
|Mike 'NS' Boyle
||"Have a cracked rib which I reckon is from a
few weeks ago on a Tuesday night, when Bill and I bumped into each
other - no worries, it's one of those things, but it's hurt since
then - altho' only got worse this week and forced me to go to docs."
||"Sorry about the no show - got asked to do a
mercy dash by Steve the Cat at 5.45. His daughter is at the same
nursery as ours and he couldn't get back in time to pick her up
since all the trains were delayed last night. He asked me to go
and pick her up until he managed to get home - which turned out
to be 7 pm having left on the 5 pm train from Waverley."
||"Went for a ten mile run on the Sunday and was
stupid enough to play last Tuesday despite the fact that my foot
had swollen up and gone a wee bit purple!"
||"a cant play cruched th top of me finger off
last week and had to get it reconstructed.. no activities till next
week so c you then. got it crushed by wieghtws at the gym, pretty
painful its alright now tho went to a plastic surgeon and he sorted
it for me. i will be bacik next tue."
||"Had a wee shunt end of last week and have slightly
brused ribs so will give it a miss tomorrow but should be ok for
||" I gave blood this morning, so no exercise for
||"No joke here, locked out of the house and have
to get changed at Martins. This means I cant get in to get any dosh!!
like I did before I will bring £10 along with me next Tue."
||"No - in Hong Kong working for next two weeks!"
||"I'm out for Tuesday. I had a wisdom tooth removed
last Thursday and any knock to my cheek could set my healing back
a few weeks."
||"Unable to play as I've had my other wisdom tooth
removed and a knock would prove a major set back in my recovery!"
||"I'm out for this evening. Apologies - I've left
my kit at home! How old am I?"
||5/3/08 (a Wednesday)
||"Vry sorry bill I was just back from NZ n fell
asleep with jet lag ... Never woke up until this mornin."
||"I would but I'm actually off to Murrayfield
for a training session with the Scotland Rugby team strength and
conditioning coach on Tuesday now."
||"im afraid I cant make it tommorrow night. Just
finished the Dunfermline half marathon and my legs are like jelly."
||"I'm playing in a Pro Evolution Soccer tournament
tomorrow night Bill - sorry!"
||"Can't make the 11's game as I'm (in) Espana
obtaining burnt skin and a tennis game to be proud of. "
||"I must have had the wrong socks and shoes on
at the weekend, as I've got awful blisters."
||"Can't play next week, I'm going to some charity
||"Wont make Tuesday, couple of cracked ribs
after my game last night so better let them heel for a week or so."
||"I'm stuffed with the cold which is getting worse
by the minute so having to call off tomorrow, unfit."
||"My Xmas Lunch is tomorrow, totally forgot about
it. As much as Id love to play the copious amounts of booze
I will have had by 6pm will make it near impossible.
You can put that excuse up on the web site."
||"Doctor has advised that I don't play as I almost
snapped my metatarsal kicking Graeme.
Will be back in the following week once the swelling has gone down!"
||"Im going to have to drop out.
Nasty ingrowing toenail issue, the result of losing both big
toenails recently, one I think I actually ripped off at football.
Looks like its going to cost me £180 to get it sorted
privately, hoping to get it done this week and be back next week.
Its not too bad but football has been making it worse each
week, especially as its on my left foot. Dont want
to ruin my marathon training as well."
I Regret to inform you that i cant play tonite, i took an injury
at football last nite that has left me with a hugley swollen left
hand and a big gash above my right eye. My mum told me that i shouldnt
play, she is probably right.
I Was in goal and this guy who has the most powerfull shot ever
blasted one at me from 10m away i brought my hands up and saved
it but took what felt like a hammer blow to my skull. Which put
me straight to the floor.
I have butterfly stiches on my head now and i need to wait a few
days to make sure the wound will heal properly.
||"Dude just so u know ... i have dislocated my
shoulder at rugby 2day and will be out for football for a few weeks
... gutted ..."
"Genuine apologies, Brewster gave my garage
key to the cleaner and she took it home with her. I phoned everyone
who i knew who was coming from the middle of town but no one could
give me a lift.
I partly blame Jay, he knew what i was phoning for but ignored
me cos he's too cheap to come and give a mate a lift.
In short, it's scott and Jay's fault."
||"Sorry Bill, really sore throat so will not be
able to make it."
||"I dont know why I said yes to tomorrow night.
I am going to skip it this week.
Caught the dreaded cold and coughing fit thing going about!"
||"Will need to pass on 8's this Tuesday as I'm
feeling rough. Lengthy weekend in Dublin and surrounding country
has left me in tatters."
"I'm not after a game of fitba - got the
(then, after a deserved slagging about being a ponce)
"But my ears are bunged up and my sinuses are really sore.
Surely at this difficult time of the swine flu epidemic you can
find it in your heart to have some sympathy and save the humiliation
of being named and shamed in the Real Excuses page?!"
||"I have got a wee problem regarding playing tomoz
aswell ......my folks have had to go to South Africa last min and
have left me to run the buisiness and the dog.......as normal i
wuld come to footy straight from work - but i will have my dog.......
Im not sure how sensible it is to tie him up while we are playing.........."
||(Missing due to having Swine Flu - beat that,
||"My car battery has gone flat bill. I don't think
I will be able to make it tonight."
||"Sorry - in Beunos (sic) Aires, back in
a couple of weeks."
||"You have my place, Bill - it was too cold last
week, and I didn't enjoy it."
||30/3/10 (Typhoon Tuesday)
"I am flood(ed) in at work, will not be able
to make football, cannot even leave the office at the moment."
(Response from Stu, who had to drop out as a result of Dale
calling off: "Mate I have taken an hour off work 2 go home
and get my kit. And I'm not playing cause Dale has spun you a
line about his 3rd floor office gettin flooded")
||"Slight hamstring injury so best not risk it."
||"Went over my ankle playing golf on Wednesday,
up like a balloon, fingers crossed its nothing too drastic,
Ill find out next week when the swelling comes down I suppose."
||"Man flu alert. I will be a no show this evening.
Sorry for the short notice."
||25/9/10 (the day before our 11s game against the HotScots)
||"Billy big balls bad news. Not going to make
footy. Missed connecting flight from Gatwick so won't be back in
||26/9/10 (the day of our 11s game against the HotScots)
|| "Alrite Bill, bad news. Woke up today with a
dirty cough and feel like shit. Sorry to pull out."
||26/9/10 (six minutes before our 11s game against the
||"Sorry to let u down can't make it mate."
||(Late call offs from our last game of 2010 due
to being winded after going sledging)
|Mike 'Edna' Boyle
||"Shit, sorry bill. Got to go and see Hairspray
||5/3/11 (the day of our 11s game against Bay FC)
||"I'm out for today. Looked like Gollum last night and could
||"Too busy billy putting up all the marquees for melrose 7
's and stuff."
||"I cant play next tuesday as im going to see Christy Moore
in the Queens hall. Its not very rock n roll but he does terrific
traditional irish music.
I know most of the songs."
||"Dude - I'm going to have to bail on tonights game - my heatings
packed in and I've got a boy coming round after work to take a look!
The football gods aren't smiling on me at the moment!"
||10/5/11 (after missing 8s)
||"Apologies Bill. I was sucked into a meeting that lasted
3 hours of which there were 3 people attending of which I was one."
||"I won't be there next Tuesday. I'm cycling from edinburgh
to iona (200 miles roughly) for the Hospice setting off on the Wednesday.
I think I should save myself."
|Mike 'TMI' Boyle
||""Hello, you got someone who can step into the breach,
Bill? We've got a major issue that I'm having to head through to
Hamilton just now for, not envisaging much sleep tonight. A planned
upgrade has f*cked major systems and it's me who's going to have
to drop my trousers and take the retribution."
||"Sorry Bill been out of touch as was getting married this
||"Unable to play next week bill. Baby-sitting duties!"
||"Morning bill - I'm going to have to pull out of 5s tonight
- slept funny and I've pulled something in my neck - pish !!"
||"Alrite, going to have to pull out of footy for a few weeks.
Done my knee in at the Caledonian Challenge yesterday."
||"Can't make it Bill - shanked my hamstring on the treadmill
yesterday and it feels pretty bad - reckon might be out for a couple
of weeks :-( "
||23/7/11 (99 minutes before our 11s game against Gormadona FC)
||"Mate it pains me to write this pathetic text but went to
meet Robson (George Best) for a beer last night and just got home
3 hours ago. Rather than just not turn up for football I want to
let u know I will not make it. Massive apologies and let's put this
down as a one off. Obviously he will turn up, puke, pass out and
score a hat trick. Cheers."
||2/8/11 (11s vs FC Farcelona)
"Bill. how we placed tonight, how many subs we got? Went
over my ankle on a f*cking rolll of cling film at work today,
if we're short I'll play and freeze the f*cker but will dropout
if we've got the bodies. It was a big f*ckoff rolll of clingfilm
for our warehouse before you say anything!"
||5/8/11 (see above)
||"It was a big f*ckoff roll of clingfilm, my back's been f*cked
ever since as I must have jarred it when I fell."
||"I can't play next tuesday as im going to see The Darkness
in the HMV picturehouse, I know its poor but I didnt buy the tickets."
|Jim Hardie (explaining a late call off by flat mate Swanny)
||"He's got his period"
||"Sorry if I was a bit out of sorts last week, Bill - I thought
I had p*nis cancer."
||"Mate, I don't believe this, I havnt got my key to the house
for my stuff. Kelly doesn't finish until 6 and I can't get in. Initially
when I left this morning I was gonna work until after this. Sorry
to f*ck you around but I can't even get in my own house."
||(Late call off from 8s due to having to get a bit of stone
removed from his foot)
||26/10/12 (11s vs Scottish Parliament)
||"I have to bail - it's Eid ... can't play ... had a bad day
||26/10/12 (as above)
||"Bill, I've just f*cked my back digging a hole at work, I'm
not gonna make it tonight as much as I'd like too"
||'Bill, I fell asleep on my couch ...'
||"Off to the Celtic game boss so cant"
||"Ah. I just realised I wouldn't be able to play tomorrow
as its my rabbits birthday"
||17/11/16 (though also used at various other points in 2016)
||"I’m unavailable to play next week as I’ll be
||"I can't play next week as I'm going to see 'Mama Mia' with
||19/7/17 (Thursday 5s)
||"Playing ultimate Frisbee I’m afraid!"
"Might be out for a little while … smashed my hip
while I was in Berlin. It's not broken - well least don’t
think so - just very badly bruised! The whole hip is black. Was
more down to stupidity - fell onto a raised tram line ... nightmare!"
||"Sorry I cant play, we are carving pumpkins"
||"Hi m8, I won’t be able to play Tuesday, I will be
getting a tattoo on my calf 2moro"