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Real Tuesday 4 - 2 FC Happy Mondays


Figure 1 - some typically inspired madness from the pen of Hare

The Real's latest game was played in the customary high winds, light rain and skiddy pitch conditions; at the customary venue (Saughton, Stadium Of Dark) and with the customary referee inflicted on us

Indeed, it also looked the customary total pumping was on the cards until the Happy Mondays full-backs started trying to play 'football'.

Key stats:

Real goals: 4 (1 chopped off)
Mondays goals: 2 (1 chopped off)
Real offsides: 173 (4 actual)
Mondays offsides: 2 (63 actual)
Handbags: 2
Injuries: 2
Balls over the fence: 3
Balls stolen: 0
Balls found: 3
Ned spectators: 2

Minute by minute:

7.25 pm Mondays kick off, Real playing into a strong head wind.
10 mins First real chance - Jay gets free in the box but snatches his shot on the turn. Shortly followed by a smart half-volley from Fahd that glances the left hand post on the way past.
15 mins Corner swung in by Jay, glanced goalwards by James but cleared off the line at the back post by a Santa lookalike. Bit of a stramash but it's cleared again.
20 mins Good save by Chris, clawing wide to prevent the Happy Mondays going ahead.
25 mins Real 1-0 Mondays. Dave pulled down as a defender comes across the back of him while clean through on goal. Despite the Mondays' protests, it was stonewall. Dave Rolland (c) puts away the retaken penalty kick, placing the ball in exactly the same corner as his first attempt. The first attempt was chopped off because Darrell had nearly made it into the six yard box by the time Dave had reached the spot.
30 mins Real 1-1 Mondays. Good cross in met well by the head of one of their players. At some point shortly thereafter, Real goalie Chris goes off after tearing his quad, and is replaced by Al Frame. On the Mondays side, the left back (Santa) also pulls up with a hamstring injury and is replaced.
35 mins Handbags as James takes a pass from Fahd on the edge of the box, and one of the Mondays players decides to try and tackle both of them despite the fact they're about six feet apart. Fahd comes off the worst, and a bit of shouting ensues. Fahd and Mondays skinhead subsequently sin binned for 'I'll tell you when you can get back on' minutes.
40 mins Dave 'scores', but it's chopped off for offside.
42 mins On the stroke of half time, Dave beats his man on the right wing and flashes the ball across the face of goal. James stretches but pokes it onto the bar and over from a couple of yards out.

Half time

8.25 pm Real kick off, with the wind at their backs (prompting some very long range shots throughout the half).
5 mins Real 2-1 Mondays. Matty makes the line on the right hand side and swings in a cross that just evades our towering strikers. Biggs picks up as it comes through the box and puts it back in. Darrell rises at the back post and cushions a header for James Hare to come in and nod the ball past the keeper from the edge of the six yard area. Game on!
20 mins Real 3-1 Mondays. Throw in from the Mondays left back to their keeper. Real pressure forces the keeper to pick it up, in a blatant flaunting of Rule 12 (page 33) of the current FIFA Laws of the Game. Subsequent indirect free kick from inside the six yard box is pushed back to Olly Abram, who drills it in under the onrushing defenders.
25 mins Real 3-2 Mondays. Strong clearance from Stu, but pressure means he has to knock it out across the goal line. The corner comes in, and an excellent diving header from a Mondays midfielder loitering on the penalty spot finds the bottom corner. Shortly after, Jay receives a mouthful of abuse from the Mondays bench as the potentially career threatening injury he sustains in a tackle (rolling around in agony, clutching his ankle) proves not to be that bad when the free kick is given (jumps to his feet instantly, and trots towards the Real goal).
30 mins Real 4-2 Mondays. Mondays break the Real defensive line and slide the ball into the net. Calls go up for handball, and an unsighted Latto takes one look at Graeme shouting at him and disallows the goal. An aggrieved Mondays team take a few minutes to regroup, and Dave Rolland takes the opportunity to beat two men out wide on the right and drive a low shot across goal from 25 yards. It finds the bottom corner and the Real look set for an unprecedented win!
40 mins Bonus comes on for the last five minutes, and wastes no time in stamping his authority on the game - getting two touches. Touch one - technically not a touch - is an attempted scorpion kick that just fails to make contact. Touch two is a shot from the centre circle that manages to clear a 35 foot fence behind the goals.
45 mins Full time, and a win! 'Mon the Real!


Match Stats

Result Won 4-2
Sequence 1-0, 1-1 (half time), 2-1, 3-1, 3-2, 4-2

Dave Rolland 2, James Hare 1, Olly Abram 1

Cards None, though Fahd and one of the (far from) Happy Mondays players were 'rested' for ten minutes after a wee spat during the first half

Smith; Paulo, Proudfoot, Campbell, Lawlor; Khammal, Hare, McHardy, Abram; Rolland, Barnet

Subs (all used) Frame (for Smith), Lees, Biggart, Blackhall, Fombo
Referee Brian Latto
Attendance 4 (Bill, Little Bill and 2 well behaved neds)

Sam Paulo - ran tirelessly up and down the left flank all night, tackling anything that moved and shutting down the pacy Mondays strikers.

Honourable mention for captain Dave, who chased long balls into the corners throughout the game and scored two fine goals (one of them twice!)