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Craig Stewart
| Nickname | Zyco, Dave |
| Date Of Birth | 9/8/78 |
| Place Of Birth | Inverness |
| Big Team | Celtic |
| Wee Team | Inverness Caley |
| Favourite Player Ever | Henrik Larsson |
| Position | Up front or wide midfield - anywhere where he can use his close control and turn of speed |
| Distinguishing Features | Black and gold Celtic away top, shaven head, steam-emitting ears |
| Lookalike | Er, Henrik Larsson, post dreadlocks. Sulky French moneygrabber Nicolas Anelka. And sulky Gabonese moneygrabber Daniel Cousin. Or, if you believe Brian 'Foul Shy' Latto, Terry Hurlock. Or Lewis Hamilton with a bit of hair. |
| Battlecry | Either the old faithful, 'For F*CK'S SAKE!', or just a bowel-loosening bellow as he goes completely Radio Rental |
| Claim To Fame | Once voted Grumpiest Real Player Ever, edging out even Dougie 'Captain Caveman' Watt in the process. Also best mates with TV cook Gordon Ramsay, and very much the inspiration for GR's on-screen persona. Having played 5s with us most Tuesdays for several years, still thinks the team is called Real Thursday. |
| 5s Appearances in 2004 | 1 out of 41 (2%) |
| 5s Appearances in 2005 | 28 out of 45 (62%) |
| 5s Appearances in 2006 | 23 out of 43 (53%) |
| 5s Appearances in 2007 | 33 out of 42 (79%) |
| 5s Appearances in 2008 | 35 out of 48 (73%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2009 | 4 out of 46 (9%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2010 | 0 out of 43 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2011 | 0 out of 49 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2012 | 0 out of 49 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2013 | 0 out of 48 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2014 | 0 out of 50 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2015 | 3 out of 51 (6%) |