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John Lawson
| Nickname | Archie, Shark Bite John, WEJ, Sausages, The Swami, Shola, Legs |
| Date Of Birth | 28/7/67 |
| Place Of Birth | Oxford |
| Big Team | Hearts |
| Wee Team | Queen Of The South |
| Favourite Player Ever | John Robertson or Kenny Dalgleish |
| Position | Attack, right sided defender or (surprisingly mobile) keeper |
| Distinguishing Features | Leg like a half chewed caramel, 'drunken walrus' goalkeeping style |
| Lookalike | Bruce Willis, Theo Paphitis off 'Dragons' Den' (after a fight with Bruce Willis) or Dave Murray (latter according to Gormley only) |
| Battlecry | In attack: "Oh, bollocks - nice pass!" |
| Claim To Fame | Only member of the Real to release a CD |
| 5s Appearances in 2004 | 29 out of 41 (71%) |
| 5s Appearances in 2005 | 32 out of 45 (71%) |
| 5s Appearances in 2006 | 30 out of 43 (70%) |
| 5s Appearances in 2007 | 12 out of 42 (29%) |
| 5s Appearances in 2008 | 27 out of 48 (56%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2009 | 26 out of 46 (57%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2010 | 15 out of 43 (35%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2011 | 21 out of 49 (43%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2012 | 0 out of 49 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2013 | 6 out of 48 (13%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2014 | 5 out of 50 (10%) |