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Neil Malloy
| Nickname | Malloy, Alfie Jnr, Slapper, Bad Boy Malloy |
| Date Of Birth | 30/8/83 |
| Place Of Birth | Bangour hospital near Dechmont, West Lothian ('Edinburgh') |
| Big Team | Celtic |
| Wee Team | Livingston |
| Favourite Player Ever | Bulgarian legend Hristo Stoichkov |
| Position | Left back or left wing - the new Sam Paulo, in other words! |
| Distinguishing Features | Head like a Greek god, intermittent lack of socks |
| Lookalike | 'Anyone with curly hair', apparently - let's start the bidding with Rory McGrath off the telly |
| Battlecry | Nothing so far |
| Claim To Fame | Nearly sent off in his first 11s game for the Real, against the HotScots in November 2014. Has 'a very diluted royal blood line'. |
| 8s Appearances in 2010 | 3 out of 43 (7%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2011 | 0 out of 49 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2012 | 0 out of 49 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2013 | 0 out of 48 (0%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2014 | 14 out of 50 (28%) |
| 8s Appearances in 2015 | 17 out of 51 (33%) |