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Robert Bright
| Nickname | Big Rab |
| Date Of Birth | 15/5/68 |
| Place Of Birth | Edinburgh |
| Big Team | Hearts |
| Wee Team | Barcelona |
| Favourite Player Ever | John Robertson |
| Position | He says centre forward - everyone else says centre half! |
| Distinguishing Features | Turning circle of the 'Queen Mary', ability to peer into first floor windows without the use of a ladder |
| Lookalike | Former Falkirk defender Crawford Baptie or Hugh Dennis out of 'Mock The Week' |
| Battlecry | 'Cover me!' |
| Claim To Fame |
Founding member of the Group of Port (Legendary), an occult sporting fraternity so shrouded in mystery that even Dan Brown doesn't have a Scooby |